So no one told you life was gonna be this way

Philosophy, Wellbeing

I’ve been wanting to write a really well thought out post on turning 30 for quite some time but as it turns out it’s become a bit of a ramble, which I think shows my mixed feelings towards it all. If you’ve not yet reached 29 I’m going to be brutally honest with you guys, this has to be the toughest year yet – and I’ve been through some right corkers. I’ve done a hefty amount of soul searching and it’s been emotional upheavel. I’ve also spoken to people older than me about this and they’ve said the exact same thing. Apparently everyone goes through it but no ones talking about it – cue me and my little old blog.

I never thought I was one to be bothered by age, I certainly aren’t bothered by other people’s, I always saw it as just a number and generally believed that everyone is on different timescales so you shouldn’t compare your journey with anyone else’s.
That was until I was about to turn 30.

All of a sudden it feels like by 30 you’re supposed to have your entire life figured out and all boxed off. I don’t know if it’s because we’re of the millennial generation or because of the fuckboy epidemic we currently have on our hands but it doesn’t help that my parents met when they were aged 20 and 25, got married a few years later and my Mam had me at my age now. Fast forward to me in 2018 who still has no idea what she’s doing besides struggling to pay rent in a shared flat in London and trying to meet someone that doesn’t turn out to be a complete and utter dick.

Besides my passion for blogging, I couldn’t feel further away from having it all figured out. That’s pretty much been my way of doing things all along, I’ve always just sort of floated along doing whatever I liked, living for today and hoping everything would all work out in the end, believing that so long as I followed my heart and stayed positive it would happen. There’s something about the number 30 that’s thrown that whole belief system into disarray, it’s a scary number and it’s got me questioning everything. And I mean everything. It’s had me googling ‘celebrities aged 30’ to see what they look like and I even started to toy with the idea of cosmetic surgery to preserve my youth – something I’ve never dreamed of contemplating before.

On the plus side everyone I meet assumes I’m about 25 if not less so I think I’ve just mentally decided to stay that age forever. My younger brother and sister were born when I was 15 and I always used to say ‘omg imagine when they’re 15, I’ll be 30… WOW’. That day is nearly here and I can’t quite believe it. 30 has literally crept up on me overnight and got me thinking where on Earth has that time gone?!

The positives I can take from this is that I’m now well aware of how short life is and while I’m grateful to have made it this far, it’s spurred me on to crank it up a gear and achieve the life my younger self had always dreamed of. That dream mainly consists of working for myself, being filthy rich (not ashamed to say it) and most of all being married to someone wonderful who adores me and vice versa, although as my favourites The Supremes warn, ‘You can’t hurry love’ and as I mentioned here, no matter how old I am I’d rather be alone than settle out of fear.

It’s funny when you’re younger no one warns you the main ‘life checklist’ such as: having a career, marriage and babies are very rarely that simple to attain. Admittedly they’re not all for everyone and I’m not even sure babies are for me. Besides The Rembrandts, ‘I’ll be there for you’ song in the opening credits of Friends which goes: ‘So no one told you life was going to be this way. Your job’s a joke, you’re broke, your love life’s DOA.’ Nobody IRL warns you about life not going to plan as easily as you’d expected. My life path looks more like a loop the loop rollercoaster than a smooth diagonal line. It’s not been easy but then I wouldn’t change it for the world because now I know I’ll appreciate the things I want all the more when the time does come. Thankfully till that day I have a wonderful family and friends that will be there for me when the rain starts to pour.

There’s a brilliant speech by my fav modern day philosopher Jay Shetty which reminds me that even if you do have all those life checklist boxes ticked off, it doesn’t guarantee inner happiness or make a difference, so ultimately those should be our goals. And while I may barely have a penny to my name, I do believe I’m happy within. Without sounding like a gangsta rapper; I’m proud of my struggle, my experiences and the person I am today – that to me is worth it’s weight in gold and now hopefully the rest will follow. If not? Well that feeling in itself kicks that stupid checklists arse.

Photos: Andrew McGovern

Edit: Annieatthefringe

Summertime Sadness

Dating

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The whole Destiny’s Child – Independent Ladies thing is fabulous and I’m all for it, in fact I proudly call myself it all the time (providing credit card debt doesn’t count). I live in London while all my family are up North, I mean even most of my friends live centrally so I’m virtually Alone.

And usually I’m ok with being alone, in fact I’m more than ok with it, I’m really quite happy about it. I’m a solitary creature by nature, I love my own company and need a lot of downtime. Even if I were in a relationship I’d like to retain that as I think it’s important. But lately I’ve been feeling a bit well… lonely, I have to admit. I thought Winter would be worse for these kind of blues but Lana Del Rays Summertime Sadness is real people.

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The worst part is I know it’s a loneliness that comes from a longing of wanting to be with someone. Of course we as independent women can’t openly admit that so I thought I’d come out and say it and get rid of any perceived shame that it makes me somehow weaker. I’ve come to realise it’s ok to not want to be alone so I admit it, I want to be with someone. Saying it out loud makes me cringe and down right terrifies me. Yes all I can hear is the ‘Annie wants a boyfriend’ playground song too.

What if it’s a case of saying it won’t make it happen, maybe some future potential will read this and run a mile? On the flip side maybe once I finally admit this to myself I’ll subsequently get it? Cue the Genie from Aladdin.

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Of course many will argue Summer is THE best time to be single when it’s all festivals, beer gardens and rooftop parties (all invites welcome btw). Although those things have never really interested me quite as much as having someone special to share that rowing boat in the park with. There’s just something so wistfully Jane Austen-like about holding hands on Hampstead Heath and prosecco picnics in Hyde Park (I know right, I’d date me).

Don’t get me wrong I’ve not got a billboard around my neck advertising ‘boyfriend wanted’ to all and sundry. I’m not looking for just anyone, maybe that’s partly my problem. I’ve been on so many dates that I’m not easily pleased but why should I be, if there’s one thing I’ve learnt, always have standards. You’ll only be fooling yourself in the long run.

Maybe it’s because of a recent ‘thing’ that I had hoped would maybe eventally turn into boyfriend/girlfriend status (see previous post) I liked him a lot and he said he did too so now I know after 3 years of singledom what that feels like and what I’m missing out on.

This Summer I’m going to try and focus my mind on enjoying my freedom as a single gal. Who knows, things can change in a heartbeat and this could be my last one alone, that maybe I’d look back on and wish I had made the most of.

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So here’s to a social Summer filled with friends, focusing on myself and happiness in my career – failing that there’ll always be Pimms and Aperol Spritz round the corner in every pub in England…

Bag – Topshop (similar)/Jeans – Topshop (similar)/Loafers – Linzi Shoes/Denim Jacket – Topshop (similar)/Sunglasses – eBay/Top – Primark

Read All About It: The Ultimate Fuckboy

Dating, Fashion

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Yes ladies, I’ve met him and I’m here to pass on the gospel so you don’t fall for it too. He is: the fuckboy that pretended not to be a fuckboy. Which equates to the ultimate, top trump, f*cking, fuckboy. Yes fellas she’s angry, she’s armed with a blog and she’s not afraid to use it.

So I know this is private and personal and maybe I look petty AF calling him out on my blog (which he so raved about while wooing me btw). But I’m hoping you guys can relate to or at least learn from my experience.

It’s ironic I’m wearing a ‘Heartbreaker’ slogan tee in these pics as that’s what this guy said I would do, break his heart. Looking back maybe he’s decided he would do it to me first.

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One of the first conversations I had with this new guy I was dating started with us taking the piss out of what fuckboys do because of a funny video on Facebook and how he would never act like that as he found it degrading. He seemed like the perfect gent, little did I know he would turn out to be one too. He took me on extravagant dates, said he really liked me, even called me wife material(!) then told me he got scared at how fast it (clarification: *he*) was moving? Ultimate fuckboy move pal.

It’s just so ridiculous; ‘long lasting happiness with someone I think I could maybe eventually marry?’, ‘Na, thanks mate I’m good, I’d rather act weird about my feelings and run away with my proverbial tail between my legs’. It left me feeling completely disillusioned as I was swept away in the possibility of it all. Finally a happy ending for Annie? Life has clearly shot me down with a ‘lol, not this time hun’.

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I know this is not just me, which has been the whole prompt for me sharing this. One of my best mates went through the exact same scenario and has now proclaimed my guy is version 2.0. I’ve also had a lunchtime conversation at work about all this with different age ranges, we concluded that because of the shift in us women becoming stronger, more independent and confident we seem to be scaring men away.

Are all men pussies now? Or maybe we’re just dating the wrong ones? If so where are all the good ones without commitment issues at? Is this exclusively a London thing where everyone and everything is a temporary pop-up fad? Answers from outside this metropolitan dating madness on a postcard please.

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By now I’m so hardened to it that it’s become water off a ducks back, I almost expect it. Yes it’s still very disappointing that someone would act like that but I can only laugh at the ridiculousness of it all and think back to my last post to know that it obviously wasn’t meant to be for a reason. Maybe the reason is to turn me into an ever more self assured woman that’s able to determine character and distinguish what she really needs and wants out of a relationship and I am 100% down for that.

Guys my advice to you is this; in the words of Nick Cave’s Love Letter (totes emosh favourite song atm btw), if you really like her please ‘go get her, go get her’. Don’t let you being a pussy and thinking about all the what ifs stand in the way of something that might just be as important as everlasting love (Love Affair – another absolute belter).

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There’s no hard feelings now as I put it down to lack of experience on his part and not being able to deal with the feelings he had for me, instead he began acting distant and weird and leaving me on read/unread for days (I don’t know which one was worse?) then coming back to me like everything was normal. I don’t give these games the time of day anymore so I threw in the towel. At this time in my life either you’re serious about me or you’re not, I’m not gonna stick around for someone on the fence, make the effort to get your arse down from it.

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Hat: H&M/Blazer: Miss Guided/Bumbag: Primark/Trousers and Tee (Similar): both Very

Although there’s no hard feelings, if you act like a prat it’s going in the blog cus I may be enlightened with positivity and love but I will still definitely call you out on your BS and bad behavior, to quote one of my favourite memes (yes I’m quoting a meme) that perfectly balances spirituality with everyday reality:

‘namaste c*nt face I’m sending you love’…

A x

Photos: Andrew McGovern

Edit: Annie at The Fringe

Instagram is my Boyfriend

Dating, Fashion, Instagram, Photoshoot

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Instagram is my Boyfriend.

And we’ve been serious for about 6 months now. Ok not my actual boyfriend, I know I’ve been single for quite a while but I’ve not become completely deluded or given up all hope yet – don’t worry Mam. The aim of this post (my first blog post, yay!) is to explain the relationship I have with the gram and how I started this blog, as I thought that would be a good way to kick things off.

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It all began when I had a lot of time on my hands back in October as I was struck down with glandular fever. As a single gal (feeling very Carrie Bradshaw rn) I felt so lonely being off from work and isolated from the world, my family and friends were incredibly great but I was mostly in quarantine for a good couple of months. I needed something to take my mind off my illness. I turned to Instagram as it was the only thing I could manage to do from my bed. I realized I had a lot of outfit pictures I’d never posted before and was surprised when the likes and follows started to roll in.

After the feedback I’d received I started to take it more seriously, I changed the name and made it a business page, I even bought this domain and the email ad, you know just incase. By December time I started to feel better and began taking outfit pics on the reg, around Christmas I reached my first 1 thousand followers and it was an actual buzz. Fashion blogging is always something I’ve flirted with (I remember speaking to a successful fashion blogger telling her I’d love to start one but wouldn’t know where to begin) but it was at that 1k point when I thought ‘You know what I can actually do this, why not me?’.

T-shirt and beret: Fanclubclothing.com/Trench: Miss Guided (similar)

I’d found something to get me through that terrible time as it gave me a renewed sense of purpose, it was actually making me feel better day by day, maybe because I was receiving such nice comments which cheered me up. I’d also grown a little support network with some wonderful (and down right hilarious) gals who all shared the same female empowerment sentiment and interests that I had. I began to wake up and go to bed with instagram, I was no longer alone in my room! (In a none creepy way)

Aside from internet pals, before you think I’ve become a hermit, it’s also become something fun to do with my IRL mates. We’ve now made it a thing of going for a brunch catch up then taking outfit pics (by far my favorite weekend activity). Popping out at work on my lunch break with my work wife to get that all important outfit shot is also one way to break up the working day. Who needs an actual boyfriend when you’ve got that kind of support from your gals eh!

To me the gram it’s about SO much more than gaining likes, although don’t get me wrong they don’t go amiss ;). As a fashion graduate I have a real passion for the creativity of styling so it really does p*** me off me when people scoff at it and make remarks such as ‘it’s not real life though’. Because actually for some, it is. From what I know of the industry so far a lot of work goes into it. Whether you think it’s real life or not it brought me back from the brink of a very depressing time, for that I’ll forever be grateful to the gram and defend it as if it were my boyfriend.

As with any relationship it can be love/ hate, maybe when your pics don’t do as well as you’d hoped and it makes you feel a teeny bit down when you’ve put time and energy into them or when you’re struggling for content as it’s been a very rainy week, when that happens I do begin to feel the pressure creeping in BUT that’s all self imposed pressure, there are no rules and that’s what’s so great about the gram. Like every good boyfriend it will always be there (unless it ever gets replaced for a new younger model named Vero) but let’s not think about that and just enjoy the romance.

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A x

Photos by: Andrew McGovern