I’ve been wanting to write a really well thought out post on turning 30 for quite some time but as it turns out it’s become a bit of a ramble, which I think shows my mixed feelings towards it all. If you’ve not yet reached 29 I’m going to be brutally honest with you guys, this has to be the toughest year yet – and I’ve been through some right corkers. I’ve done a hefty amount of soul searching and it’s been emotional upheavel. I’ve also spoken to people older than me about this and they’ve said the exact same thing. Apparently everyone goes through it but no ones talking about it – cue me and my little old blog.
I never thought I was one to be bothered by age, I certainly aren’t bothered by other people’s, I always saw it as just a number and generally believed that everyone is on different timescales so you shouldn’t compare your journey with anyone else’s.
That was until I was about to turn 30.
All of a sudden it feels like by 30 you’re supposed to have your entire life figured out and all boxed off. I don’t know if it’s because we’re of the millennial generation or because of the fuckboy epidemic we currently have on our hands but it doesn’t help that my parents met when they were aged 20 and 25, got married a few years later and my Mam had me at my age now. Fast forward to me in 2018 who still has no idea what she’s doing besides struggling to pay rent in a shared flat in London and trying to meet someone that doesn’t turn out to be a complete and utter dick.
Besides my passion for blogging, I couldn’t feel further away from having it all figured out. That’s pretty much been my way of doing things all along, I’ve always just sort of floated along doing whatever I liked, living for today and hoping everything would all work out in the end, believing that so long as I followed my heart and stayed positive it would happen. There’s something about the number 30 that’s thrown that whole belief system into disarray, it’s a scary number and it’s got me questioning everything. And I mean everything. It’s had me googling ‘celebrities aged 30’ to see what they look like and I even started to toy with the idea of cosmetic surgery to preserve my youth – something I’ve never dreamed of contemplating before.
On the plus side everyone I meet assumes I’m about 25 if not less so I think I’ve just mentally decided to stay that age forever. My younger brother and sister were born when I was 15 and I always used to say ‘omg imagine when they’re 15, I’ll be 30… WOW’. That day is nearly here and I can’t quite believe it. 30 has literally crept up on me overnight and got me thinking where on Earth has that time gone?!
The positives I can take from this is that I’m now well aware of how short life is and while I’m grateful to have made it this far, it’s spurred me on to crank it up a gear and achieve the life my younger self had always dreamed of. That dream mainly consists of working for myself, being filthy rich (not ashamed to say it) and most of all being married to someone wonderful who adores me and vice versa, although as my favourites The Supremes warn, ‘You can’t hurry love’ and as I mentioned here, no matter how old I am I’d rather be alone than settle out of fear.
It’s funny when you’re younger no one warns you the main ‘life checklist’ such as: having a career, marriage and babies are very rarely that simple to attain. Admittedly they’re not all for everyone and I’m not even sure babies are for me. Besides The Rembrandts, ‘I’ll be there for you’ song in the opening credits of Friends which goes: ‘So no one told you life was going to be this way. Your job’s a joke, you’re broke, your love life’s DOA.’ Nobody IRL warns you about life not going to plan as easily as you’d expected. My life path looks more like a loop the loop rollercoaster than a smooth diagonal line. It’s not been easy but then I wouldn’t change it for the world because now I know I’ll appreciate the things I want all the more when the time does come. Thankfully till that day I have a wonderful family and friends that will be there for me when the rain starts to pour.
There’s a brilliant speech by my fav modern day philosopher Jay Shetty which reminds me that even if you do have all those life checklist boxes ticked off, it doesn’t guarantee inner happiness or make a difference, so ultimately those should be our goals. And while I may barely have a penny to my name, I do believe I’m happy within. Without sounding like a gangsta rapper; I’m proud of my struggle, my experiences and the person I am today – that to me is worth it’s weight in gold and now hopefully the rest will follow. If not? Well that feeling in itself kicks that stupid checklists arse.
Photos: Andrew McGovern